Lunch....
My friend called at the exact moment I was going to call him to ask to him if he could drop by my work since he was going to pickup his brother. He wanted to know what sub to get me and if it was okay to drop by with his brother and have lunch. I was more than glad because i hadn't seen him for a couple of weeks.

Funny enough my heart didn't skip as it usually does when I see someone I like. So that was a good thing since I have to keep reminding myself that I can't like him more than a friend.

He'd brought me a ham sandwich which I couldn't eat for religious reasons.I'd asked for a turkey sandwich but he must have forgotten...we chit chatted with his brother and he brought up his date. I jokingly told him I was happy he had a bad date and he laughed(ofcourse you and I know I meant it). "You don't want me to tell you about my dates?" he chided. I said no and he laughed. I pray to God he understands that I mean this.

He had called me earlier at around 11.00 a.m and had mentioned that he had a dream about me. He wouldn't say what the dream was about and despite my persistance he didn't want to tell me about it. He brought it up again and said he woke up with "hot sweat dripping" all over him. So I asked him whether it was a good dream and he said yes it was.

My Friend's Date

Yesterday I went Salsa dancing since my 'friend'had postponed our movie night to Sunday. I had a great time and guys were asking me to dance one after the other.Wht struck me was their patience at teaching me since it was my first time salsa dancing.Well I was catching my breath when I got a call from my 'friend' telling me he had a bad day. It was noisy in the club so I went to a less noisy place to find out what had ruined his day considering he had called me earlier and he seemed happy.
When I asked him what the matter was he said he'd had a bad date and not a bad day as I'd previously misheard. I didn't know what to say...so I stammered.."date? When did you go on a date? You never told me you were going on date?" I can't explain whether it was panic or stupidity that made me ask him that but I snapped back to my senses realising that I wasn't dating him and therefore had no right to ask when or whom he dates.I just couldn't help but feel upset that he had cancelled our movie night for a date. Yes ....I know this sounds pathetic...but somehow you can't control the way you feel about someone.I must say am trying .At least I didn't stay home when he cancelled the movie.

So I asked him how it was and he said it was horrible.I laughed. I didn't laugh because it was horrible but I laughed at the way he described how HORRIBLE it was...
In my mind I was thinking this is it. He is dating now and as a FRIEND am expected to hear the gory details. I hope he doesn't ask me for advise when he meets a girl he actually likes because I'm terrified of what I might say.
I bid him goodbye and promised to call im later when I got home.

I went back to my merenge and Bachata and it was amazing.I just wished I had an inkling of attraction for the guys I was dancing with.

I went home and pondered on whether my friendship with this guy was healthy....I mean I'm there whenever he needs someone to talk to. Sometimes this leaves me a little drained because of the negative energy of constantly having to cheer him up. When he is happy he makes all these promises to me he doesn't live up to and now I'm supposed to cheer him on in his love life when I have none? when we do hang out we enjoy each other's company and he tell me this everytime which makes it worthwhile.But now i can't help but feel that my life is being sucked out of me.

Jason this one is for you...what do I do? Do I end the friendship or ask him not to tell me about his dates.Won't he think I like him if he knows i don't want to hear about his dates?

HMMMMMMMMMM!

It's been raining all day and I'd mentioned that tonight I was supposed to see a movie with my friend. He postponed it to Sunday so I'll be going for a Salsa lesson instead. I'm currently perusing through Dr. Phil's Love Smart and I must confess am not any smarter.
It seems that most books say men like mystery or women who play hard to get.I guess that must be true but in my case if I show signs of disinterest in a guy,it is because am actually not interested and therefore am not playing hard to get. I guess that's where my "problem" is. If I like a guy and a guy tells me he likes me, I don't play games with them.Why do I have to resort to manipulating and scheming to emphasise how much I like a guy? Oh boy ,dating really is hard!

MOVING ON!!!

The decision to move on is probably the best I've made in a long time .I realised it more yesterday when my 'friend' thanked me for being there for him. You see of late he has come to rely on me to cheer him up when he is down. Even though I've been doing this more than as a friend,yesterday was the first time I was actually able to give him advise objectively.

I'm just a tad bit worried that he has become a little dependant on me for advise.I'm afraid that I may not be the best person judging from my own past mistakes. He is worried that if I go back home to Africa he'll have no one to talk to. Considering I wasn't thinking of leaving anytime soon,I assured him that he is stuck with me for a long time.I must admit that it feels good to be needed.

He calls me about 5 times a day and I've come to look at him as someone in need of real help I may not be able to provide. You see he is still heartbroken from a past relationship and I've actually began to appreciate to what depth this has affected him. Ofcourse it also makes me realise that moving on was the best thing i could give myself this christmas...and it doesn't hurt that much.Maybe because I can be there for him as a friend.

On Thursday we will go see MUNICH and I'll see him for the first time in two weeks since he went on vacation.There's no anticipatation at all. Previously my heart would pulpitate with excitement but now I'm only curious whether my heart will see him in the new light that my mind does... AS JUST A FRIEND.

It's Christmass Eve and I'm a little down. I don't know whether it's the holiday blues (considering I don't celebrate Christmas)...or is it the fact that once again my poor heart is longing for someone beyond it's reach? I don't know what it is but I really like this guy and i can't tell him...
He calls me and tells me he misses me. Little does he know how I ponder over every thing he says. I know I need to get over this. I've been burnt a little too many times to play with fire. If this seems a little ambiguous to you my dear reader, it is meant to be. I can share my sexcapedes but my to share my emotions with you right now to the very last detail will leave me vulnerable. The best advise I can give to myself is to ignore everything I feel right now and move on....

FRIEND WITH BENEFIT?!

Hi again! Now that I've gotten over the memory of being touched by man, I've come back to share with you my dear readers the woes and virtues of good sex without a boyfriend!
Don't do it! No I have no, regrets infact I can't believe this is what I was missing for so long.You see when you take a century without sex, you almost forget what it feels like.

While my sexcapede wasn't a one night stand since am semi friends with this person and the othere half of me is totally in lust with him, I wouldn't advise anyone to sleep with a "friend". If the sex is good like in my case, it leaves you craving for more (emotionally or physically) in my case it's more of physical lust even though I predict the emotional baggage isn't far since I get tinges of jealousy when this person talks about the oposite sex...hmm.

I know it's wise for me to jump out now. Infact I should knock myself on the head with this laptop and knock some sense into me. Instead I find myself googling and dreaming up ways of which to make this guy emotionally attracted to me.

What is WRONG with me? How do you follow the mind (which is wiser) and leave the heart (which is weak) ? After all don't people say "follow your heart"?

I GOT LAID!!!!!

Okay here's the skinny..I haven't been blogging but the good news is I saved a bunch of money on my.....Naaahhhhhhhh I GOT LAID and it was GOOD ..no it was GREAT!!!!!! well i guess that makes up for all the silence .Please don't ask with whom it was because I'm not telling. I'm still smiling from the the great lay...!