Was Mr.Smitten's Mercedes Vandalised Because of Me?

Just when I thought my friendship with Mr.Smith was going great and couldn't get any better, I got a phone call from him and there was something in his tone that sounded almost irate and rude. When I asked him if anything was the matter, he said his car had been vandalised. Someone had smashed the window and slashed all the tires. two weeks before,someone had keyed his car and he dismissed it as nothing. However, this time he thought it was personal but he seemed to be lashing at me.

He suspected that it was someone who liked me and was therefore taking it out on his car or that it was someone who was racist and hated to see black and white people together and was therefore taking it out on his car.I felt like he was blaming me and was angry at me so I hang up on him.I was furious that he would come up with such trite. I mean were people that racist that they would actually do this? And if so it made me mad because I thought he might want to end our friendship and there was nothing I could do about it since I can't change being black. I ruled out that it can't be anyone infatuated with me because I don't have any admirers that I know of.

Could it be someone he could have dated and pissed off ? Could it be a random act? He didn't think so.He said he'd lived there for four years and nothing of the sort had ever happened but since he started hanging out with me, all this has happened. There was the blame again. So I asked him if he'd still want to be friends if he determines that it's something racial and he angrily (though not convincingly) said he was not going to change his lifestyle just because of this person and that I wasn't the only person of colour he knew.

I wasn't convinced but there was nothing I could do. It just made me question why I should care so much that we remain friends. Shouldn't I be more understanding that his Mercedes had been vandalised and therefore should be accepting of any irrationality on his part?

Well he said good night and I pondered over all the possiblities of why someone would slash his car. What made me feel horrible was I knew deep inside , he blamed me.

Alone and Sick on Thanksgiving- thanks!

Thanksgiving- Turkey ,Stuffing,Family.....! Right? Not for me at least. Thanksgiving for me was fever,bad cold, horrible cough and alone. Interrupted only by the constant throbbing of my head!!!!! Not one single phone call. Save for Mr.smitten who said he'd be dropping by.

Mr Smitten has become a great friend. I hadn't mentioned that we kept in touch because he isn't a romantic interest any more(remeber he wanted to be friends). Even when we have hang out and I've had the occasional sleepover, nothing has been out of line . Infact we've come to share our recent crushes or past beaus effortlessly and I've come to like that a lot.

I didn't think it was possible to be friends with someone I found attarctive and boyfriend potential but I guess I have made a friend after all.A friend I can rely on. I say that because since I've gotten sick(since Monday), he's made the effort to make the occasional phone call to find out how I am, made me laugh by playing stupid tricks and has asked me for style tips which in my opinion he doesn't need. We've even cooked together and he's told me he likes having me over at his house.

Today on thanksgiving, he came over for a few minutes to drop off a plate of food he'd saved for me and some desert. I thought that was very thoughtful especially because I wasn't expecting the food. I knew he'd stop by because he had said he would. I called him later to thank him for the great meal and he said ''it's the least I could do for my sick girl!"

Well with a wet towel over my head to keep down my soaring temperature, the only sane thing to do on thanksgiving is to thank God am still alive and maybe post this blog to keep my mind from hallucinating. If hell feels like this, then I don't want to go there!

NO WONDER I'M STILL SINGLE!

After a couple of emails with ALV (average looking guy) I decided that may be it was time to meet.You know, to break the ice from the emails and phone calls. I wasn't feeling well (had a cold) but I thought I'd go and meet him and see what was in store for me.
I couldn't decide whether or not he was good looking. I liked that he was tall. I didn't like that he had a double chin and all the time he was talking to me I couldn't keep my eyes off his bulging stomach.

We talked about our different cultures and all the while I was hoping he wasn't a mind reader because what was going on in my mind was a war of mashed up thoughts that went something like this-

In his picture he didn't look this big... is that a double chin? Maybe I 'll find him attractive with time. Why are his jeans short? Ask him to take you home. Wait a minute did he just say he LIVED WITH HIS PARENTS!!!!??!!! For me that was the deal breaker. He made it worse when he said he wants do "things" with his life but his parents kept him on a leash. Readers I finally assesed the situation and I realised I had on my hands a mama's boy who still lived at home!

Every now and then I would chip in with a word or two while he was talking and at the end of this eternal date, he drove me to my house so he could see my portfolio. My blubber mouth had invited him at the beginning of the date assuming that all would go well. Ofcourse the fact that there was no attraction to him on my part made my head hurt even more. As we pulled up to my house I could not think of a better way to "uninvite" him so I pulled out my portfolio and we talked about my modeling job.

After what seemed like hours (even though it was only 30 minutes) of my head pounding and my throat sore from the beginning of what might be a bad cold, I told him I was going to head to bed. We hugged good bye and he hopped to see me again.

I don't know if we were on the same date. On my date things had not gone well and the only time I'd be seeing him again is if I accidentally run into him. Tonight I'm happy ..no "thrilled " . Thrilled to be single- knowing that I have the option of dating other people!

Internet Freaks!

After sifting through what seems to be like tonnes of emails, I think I've narrowed it down to two prospective husbands -Ceteris paribus(all factors remaining constant)- who I'll communicate with or date and finally say I do to(as I write this I can't help but think "yeah right").

One of them is very good loking but has not answered any of my emails yet so chances of him being serious are close to naught in my book. The other is an average looking guy but with a big heart. I'm not sure how things will turn out in real life but he seems nice if I believe everything he has written.

I came to my decision to stop getting emails from "suitors" when I got an email from this guy who I'll politely call Idiot for protection of his real identity (though if you ask me, the aforementioned name would suit him just fine)! This was in answer to my terms of "not having sex with the person until I got married to you". Ofcourse this was another tactic to fend off those looking for a quickie or their next conquest.

IDIOT:
No I need a sample of you.no sample no sample no marry good luck in your search.Well I will pay you to have sex with you.

ME:
I would never marry you after this very email you freak! Did you say you'll pay to have sex with me? Are you insane? Just to let you know I am NOT a prostitute/whore....am NOT that desperate .Wow craigslist really does have weirdos! Good luck to you too.

IDIOT:
I didn't say it like that but I said I want to fuck you first. I'm will pay you for your time such as spoil you take you shopping go to eat you know not for sex. sorry you took it wrong. By the way just so you know what a big guy I am.


After getting the above email I didn't write back. I mean how do you reply to someone who insults you while giving you an apology? So I decided to let Fool..I mean Idiot, have the last word .
In retrospect I realise my experiment was whack, even dangerous but at the time I thought it would provide a few laughs (which it did) and maybe even find me Mr.Not-So-Right!
We're yet to see how that will unfold.

Marriage Proposal!

Last night, I checked my inbox and there were no emails. I thought of putting an ad on Craigslist for people to read my blog and maybe I would get a few fans when an idea hit me. Here I was single, lonely when all i wanted was guy t love me and probably marry me if all went well so I thought why not put up an ad stating exactly what I want?

I posted it at midight . I generally wanted a U.S citizen to marry me, and in return we'd hopefully fall in love and live hapily ever after. I asked that the guys be disease free,drug free, good loooking, tall , not older than 34 and that their picture would get mine-slang for I'd send my picture after I got theirs.

I wasn't expecting that someone would actually write back and I thought that the few who would write would actually be making fun of me or calling me names. Instead I woke up to an inbox of ten new messages with several guys writing back and hoping that I would pick them! There was a very good looking guy who I emailed immediately. I couldn't help but wonder why he would want to be in such an arrangement.

I just thought I should share with you a couple of interesting emails I got. I also swear that all the information I'm about to reveal is true to the best of my knowledge!

1) Are you black or white?
My reply to this person was I'm Black but if that's an issue I'd understand. He didn't write back.

2)I'm 46 your pic gets mine.
I wrote back.What part of your picture gets mine don't you understand? You're also too old.

3)I'll marry you and stay married far as I am concerned. All I ask, and I am being serious here, is that for as long as we are married you will let me shave your head as often as I like.I am really turned on by bald chicks, check out http://www.haircut.net/ to get an idea of what I like. I have a great house in the burbs, good size boat, travel a lot. I can offer you a good life and a good start for yourself. I am 46, attractive, own my own business that has been doing only as long as it takes you to become a citizen. Its just a piece of paper as great for 20 years. I will supply you with as many wigs as you want if you think that is needed. Who knows where it will lead but at least we will both be getting what we need and you will be with a nice respectable person.
Hope you consider this proposition.
Charlie.

Aside from him being way older than me. I was scared he was a freak so didn't even reply.

4) I will give you $ 8000 for yoou to hang out in a hot tub with me. No sex involved. I like oral sex,.....
I don't even want to finish this post...But my answer was--Why don't you go pick up a girl at a bar or soomething. Are you hideous? I'm not a prostitute and would certainly not give oral sex to a stranger. He wrote back. I'll pay 2,000 for you to wear a bikini of my choice. I didn't write back.

Well those are just a few of the replies I got to my ad. Not only did the emails keep flowing in the whole day, but they also kept me busy and made me realise that despite stating exactly what you want, you're not going to necessarily get it.
I had stated exactly what I was looking for but had gotten either old, ugly or short men writing back. The one guy I actully liked from the whole bunch who sounded nice and interesting didn't write back.

I have refined the ad and hope that this time I'll get serious inquiries who'll meet my requirements.

Friday Singles Night

I forgot to tell you what happened on the singles night because of being self involved. Well the music was great, the atmosphere was cozy the drinks were in plenty. Only one problem- four girls showed up, and three guys.

Despite the phone calls I'd gotten asking for directions, none of the guys who'd said they were coming actually turned up! We ended up having a great time but obviously made no connections... I felt sorry for my friends who'd thought they were going to meet their potential boyfriends here. This was on friday, before we all went to SAINT.

Me and my friends thought about how we can market it better next time.That night I decided that it will be a while before I go back to whiskey park and other night clubs. I really have outgrown these places!

Back To My Old Self

It's Sunday morning and I got up to check my email which is the first thing I do every morning before I do anything else. I light up at seeing the emails like a kid anticipating a christmas present.
I've gotten some good advise from some one called Jay (not real name). Without him these past few days would have been intolerable. Jay is intelligent and his advise has been priceless in my understanding of Mr. Smitten. Ofcourse the decision of how to proceed now with Mr. Smitten is entirely up to me. Do I stay friends with? My guess is only if I'll treat him like a bad rash. Keep him a far as humanly possible.

He called me yesterday and said he was sorry about the previous night. He said he was drunk and way out of line. He didn't say why he was sorry. Was he sorry that he made me think I was making up the whole thing? He said he didn't want that to ruin our friendship. Why was it important that we remain friends? All we've done since we met was swap saliva , caress each other and guzzle down beer. Granted there have been a few laughs in between. But why was this important to him? For me this is in the past. So all I said was "forget it even happened". He seemed relieved. He wanted to know what time I was going to bed and I told him I was pretty tired so I would be going to bed soon. I stayed up till late.

One of my readers Fly, said some people maybe reading my blog to figure out what goes on in a single woman's head. Well not much. In my case it was the classic he likes me, likes me not. Fly if you're reading this your guess was he likes me. Well, he likes me NOT!

Sorry to disappoint those who thought by now we would be tearing each other's clothes off , digging nails into each other's bodies and exchanging bodily fluids in the nether regions in some hot action of Coitus interruptus (do not do this) !

I'm glad am back to my old self again!

I Think I'm Losing it.

I woke up this morning with a heavy heart and tears welling in my eyes. That could be attributed to PMS (sorry but I 'm after all a woman) or the much sobbering conversation I had with Mr.Smitten.

He must have called me like six times yesterday, the first time wondering why i hadn't called him in the past two days. I asked him whether he'd missed me and he'd said a quick "yes" in a shy manner.I was flattered. The other 5 or so times he was wondering where I was going to hang out and if I could get him on the guest list...which I did. He came late and they wouldn't let him in and so he went with his friend to another club and I stayed at Saint to party with my friends.

He wanted me to call him after I left the club but he called me beforeI got home.
All this time I'm thinking,"this guy must really like me"..I mean i don't have any male friends I call that often...under no circumstances .I had one maybe and that was because I had a crush on him!

Well I finally got home and I asked him what he really wanted from me. He said he didn't understand so I told him that he was sending me mixed messages ..one time he wants to be friends but the very next minute he acts like we're more than friends. So he told me to give him an example of when he 'acted' that way and then i told him about the flirting with me,with endearing terms 'like baby". He said he doesn't recall anytime he used the term and he wanted me to tell him the exact times and places. I was flabbergasted.
I asked him what aboout the kissing and caressing and rubbing and ...you know everything else that had happened on several occassions and he said i was the one who grabbed him and kissed him.

Dumbfounded does not begin to describe what I felt that very moment...I couldn't believe we were now playing the game of who kissed who first. It was like a childish nightmare I couldn't escape. Was this the guy who was flirting with me a couple of hours ago or had i goone completely bananas?
Okay,I'll be the first to admit that I don't understand men almost all the time but I do know when I'm being kissed and someone is running their hands up my thighs ! I certainly do know when someone is flirting with me by calling me "baby" while feeding me a glass of wine. Or maybe this is what friends in America do and I just missed the memo. You see with different cultures you just never know. Readers am I insane ?????

Well as if this nightmare couldn't get any worse, he said he was clear from the very beginning what he wanted from me. Friendship. Which I had been okay with hadn't he sent me all these mixed messages. So i told him that if that's all he wanted then he shouldn't kiss me , touch me inappropriately, or do anything that couples would normally do because I'm not willing to be used as some form of sexual object while he gets over whatever issues he is dealing with...with that I said good night. With a heavy heart. Too tired to cry . Too tired to recap all the times he had said the sweetest things. I wondered if I had the right to be upset. I wonderd why I can't meet a genuinely nice guy who's not bipolar or on a psychotic break. I regreted why I let my friend Molly coerce me into giving him my number.

Will I be speaking to Mr.Smitten again? Let's just say right now I'm not very eager. This is not because he wants to stay friends. That's all but okay with me. It's because he made me feel that whatever messages I thought he was sending me were all in my head.

The single bug is everywhere!

Yesterday I got a couple of sobbering emails from guys who I'd asked whether I made the right decision by not sleeeping with Mr.Smitten. Everyone of them came to the conclusion that Mr. Smitten is probably looking for a "Friend -with -benefit" while he keeps his options open by dating other people. Something that hadn't even ocurred to me!

Well sobering it is, but also quite hurtful that I would be reduced to this by this by someone whom I thought highly of . I guess as the saying goes boys will be boys!

On totally different note, I was in a runway show last night and as with most runway shows, I got to meet several other models one of whom I'd worked with.Being the chatty one, i got to talk with most of them.

It's amazing how stereotypes can be totally off the mark. It's only common knowledge that most people think that models are airheads and obviously have a boyfriend or are constantly dating.

But after last night I beg to differ. At least not the ones I've encountered. Most of the girls there were either in ivy league schools like Harvard ,persuing a Masters or Bachelors in something unpronounceable and one of them was a chemical engineer!
I felt like the odd -man -out with a defunct law degree! My boss who has a Phd in Mathematics and a Bachelor of Science degree in Engineering is one of the smartest and most beautiful models I've seen.What did all these women have in common save for my boss? They were all single!
Anyway, tomorrow is the singles' event that I'm helping organise at the store and as you can imagine, I have a list of several beautiful single women all fired up to come and meet their 'possible future" prospects. The only thing missing...the aforementioned handsome professional prospects! So if you've learnt anything about me from my previous postings, you'll realise that I'm not one to sit around and do nothing. Therefore last night I did the only thing left short of dragging men out of their houses- I begged the single gorgeous male models to come to the event for FREE and drink on us!
Basically the women will be paying to meet the men! (ofcourse they don't know this but if they hit it off it's harmless,right?).
It had not occured to me how many single women there are until this event. And while one can't fathom that these smart ,beautiful women should resort to this , I have a reputation to keep and I'll be damned if I have a room full of women with no men!

IN BED WITH MR. SMITTEN!

Monday, morning was my day off . Normally I would have spent the day in my boy shorts or just trying on something that I would fantasize wearing to my next outing but I had to wake up and meet a photographer who had taken my pictures during the New York fashion Week.

So on my way there I decided to give Mr. Smitten a call. He asked me what if I wanted to hang out at his house. He said he had a couple of errands to run but he didn't mind if I stayed . I thought this would be a great time to make that dinner that I'd promised him. So on a very tight budget I bought a couple of things and made a great dinner of rice pilaf with ground beef and a very nice dish of chicken, irish potatoes and vegetables. So when he came back with a bottle of red wine, we enjoyed the meal and he expressed his gratitude and surprise to how great a cook I am (his words).

We watched T.V and he asked me to help him edit his profile on a dating site and all the cozy, happy touch feely we'd shared was instantly reduced to nothing. In my search for comfort and attention, I'd forgotten that this guy wasn't romantically interested in me. Or was he? I mean it's easy to get confused between him calling me "baby" and him brushing his hands all my thighs.

We watched a scary movie and had a couple of glasses of wine. Soon it was midnight and he was too tired to drive me back. So we got into bed. Me in his T.Shirt and boxers, him in boxers. We cuddled and it felt nice and innocent. Now more than ever, I was convinced he liked me as a FRIEND...and it was a little disappointing because he treated me like more than a friend by using endearing terms and rubbing me in places I'd never allow any other friend to rub.

Then he grabbed me and kissed me. Momentarily I felt nothing. Then we caressed each other. Our legs entangled in angles not even Pythagorus could comprehend. I got on top of him , straddled and kissed him. He kissed me back. We were distracted by nothing. Our lips locked, closing and opening to a rythm inaudible to everyone but us.

I could feel him. He was very hard. It excited me that I had this impact on him. Him a friend who couldn't resist me. But then this very thought scared me. I didn't want to be used. So I crawled back to my side of the bed. He must have misread this as a cue for him to get on top of me, because that's exactly what he did. Running his hands up and down my soft skin. It made me feel like a woman...! My T.shirt and boxers were still on except the boxers were now wet with wanton pleasure. He must have known this because he asked me if he should get a condom and at that moment I snapped back to my senses. I told him no and I was sure he was going to hate me for it. Instead he spooned with me the whole night.

In the morning he poured me a glass of juice and I toasted a bagel for him.He drove me to work and said "good bye baby darling!"

5 Days and Counting !

I woke up to my cell phone ringing or making a sound close to a ring at 2.00 a.m in the morning. Being a light sleeper ,I'm positive I heard the phone ring once and then stop so I imagined that whoever was trying to call was either out of their freaking mind or had called accidentally and then decided against it ,given the wee hours of the morning.

In a sleepy daze I decided not bang the phone against the wall and do the only smart thing possible-check the missed call. Lo and behold ! Mr Smitten's number showed up. I pondered over it for a second and decided against calling him, a little anguished that he hadn't called the last four days and was now waking me up at 2.00 a.m probably still out with his friends or whomever else he maybe dating. The latter making me a tinge a little with jealousy then I remebered that we're not exclusive let alone I don't know if one good evening after not hearing from him for weeks would be tantamount to dating.
Or maybe he was drunk dialing and came to his senses a micro second later after he called my number? I drifted back to sleep, these thoughts being too philosophical for me this early in the morning to waste my much needed sleep.

Last night I lingered at work with my boss' mother and her thirty one year old daughter who I'd promised to hang out with tonight .I told her I was thinking about staying home but since I couldn't come up with a good enough excuse for not wanting to hang out, they both talked to me back into going. So come this evening I'll wear a decent tunic over a pair of jeans and go for the DIWALI Festival....don't ask. But perhaps this is a good time to tell you that my boss is Indian.

We plan to go to Whiskey Park later if we're up to it(her daughter and I)...which I hope to dear God we're not! You see I've never hang out with her and I'm a tad bit weary about whether she'll have fun or what she'll think of the place.

I can't help but think of Mr Smitten. Something tells me he'll call tonight to find out what I'm doing or to make plans for tomorrow (rember the cooking date). You see we've never ever hang out on a weekend, even though he'll call to let me know he's going out with his friends. I'm the girl he meets on week days a.k.a days you don't really hang out. Come to think of it we've never even hang out in public!

Hmm that sounds bad. Really bad. I talked to my friend Molly about it and she says she has a sneak feeling that it maybe because I'm black. Ridiculous and far fetched it sounds but I can't help but wonder why we haven't hang out...excuse my vanity but I think I look good. Correction- I'm hot! What seems to be the damn problem!!???!!!

Well to play his own game.I'm not going to call him.Not even to ask about his "drunk dialing". Infact if he asks whether I did anything, I'll say I went on a date. I know you're probably shaking your head in disgust at how pathetic I probably sound right now. I don't blame you. I blame this whole thing called "DATING" which everyone seems to get. Everyone but ME!

ITS ONE OF 'EM DAYS!

Last night I went for the casting call and I saw my supposed "crush"- not so cute...! Good looking yes, but not enough to keep my mind of Mr smitten. As we rehearsed at this night club, every girl seemd to be checking their phone or wondering when the rehearsal would be over so that they could get to place A or B.

It seemed as though everyone had a life but me. We could have stayed there all night and I wouldn't have been bothered. Even the thought that I had missed the last bus home and would now have to take a cab didn't arouse any form of emotion ,positive or otherwise.

I seem to be stuck in a drunken stupor of nothingness. By this I mean I could care less what's going on. I want to get some excitement back in my life yet I feel too lazy to even try. My guess is that anyone else in my position would feel the same way. You are about to see why!

My boss happens to be my landlord. So when I don't see her at the store ,I'll see her at home. Ofcourse the disadvantage of this is that I can never EVER call in sick without expecting her to check up on me (not that I have).
I can't complain about rushing to get home if I stay late, since home is ten minutes from work and she'll always give me a ride!

Ofcourse I can't bring multiple guys at home every weekend because she'll know "that side " of me that everyone wants to keep from their parents or their boss. Luckily the chances of that happening are as high as Blair Underwood proposing to me!

Now one may ask how I got into this position of my boss being my landlord. Well she was my friend first, having done a couple of modeling shows together and the rest as they say is history...

I had planned to go with her and her family this Saturday to a cutltural event, but I changed my mind this morning after realising that after a long days' work of dealing with rude and ungrateful customers (not all of them are), the last thing I wanted to do was make small talk with people I don't know...(that's refering to the strangers I'll meet) that and the fact I don't anyone who hangs out with their boss and family.

I predict another quiet Saturday infront of my T.V and laptop yet again. My other friends are throwing a surprise party for another friend of ours but I don't feel like going . "Other'' refers to the category of friends I hang out with and then hate myslef for doing so...but who knows ? It's only Friday, maybe I'll be so bored and end up going!

The Wait!

It's been two days and I haven't heard from Mr.Smitten. Everything was perfect the last time he came over and I guess I ruined it by asking him when we were going to see each other again when he called the next day.
Am I just over thinking things? After all it's been only two days, right? Oh my God I sound so pathetic ! Yet that's not the lowest I've sank. Yesterday I sank to a whole new low when I called myself from another phone to make sure there was nothing wrong with my cellphone. It was working fine so he just hadn't called.

Luckily I have a job and a laptop to keep me busy so the time I get to obsess over the fact that he hasn't called is very minimal...and as I usually do when faced with "rejection" even if it's only imaginery rejection, I find someone else to have a crush on.

This time it's a casting director...! He's hot and I'm supposed to be meeting him today with a bunch of other models for a televised event. Of course if I end up getting cast he'll be my boss and any chance of getting to know him romantically will be as sure as snow in the Sahara, but hey ,a girl can only dream.

The more I pretend not to care that Mr Smitten hasn't called, the more I realise how much I like him. I can't help but think that I like him because he doesn't seem to be impressed by me or am I unconsciously attracted to aloof men? It only makes sense- all the men I've "loved deeply" have left my heart shattered and my main reason for breaking up with them was because they didn't give me enough attention . Ironically this was what had sparked the initial attraction!

Do I have a deep pschological issue that needs to be addressed? I know it has nothing to do with my upbringing because my dad showed me all the love a child could want and still does to this day albeit from afar. Maybe this is the problem-maybe I unconsciously like people who don't give me what I want....but if that's the case, then why does it hurt so bad?


Well self analysis aside, I'm determined to figure out how this dating game goes. It's a game because of the stupid rules that you have to follow.i'm not one to follow suit but breaking the rules has gotten me nowhere...and now that I'm in the know of what he (and most of the male species) actually doesn't want from me , I'll play by the rules momentarily after a while I predict that my patience will run out and I'll be back to my old routine, which is pretty much the same as now, except I will not be waiting for a dumb phone call.